We at Mediawatch are finding it ever harder to type with the sheer amount of mince pie crumbs clogging up our keyboards but we persevere. Wiping the sugar dusting all over our jeans and cracking our knuckles we have constructed a tale of santas, seagulls and er, Peter Crouch.
Fresh from roasting our chestnuts over an open fire and the subsequent A&E trip that followed we have news from The Tab that a Greggs bakery in Bournemouth is offering refunds because one singular seagull keeps pinching people’s pastries.
The “Greggs Gull” as it is being so delicately named apparently stalks customers as they leave the shop and proceeds to save them from a life of heart failure by improving their diet.
Rob Dawson, assistant manager of the town centre Greggs, said: “For the last two weeks I have had quite a few customers telling me their sausage rolls, baguettes and donuts have been nicked. This bird is a cheeky little thing.”
Quite why a gull would want to eat such grease-laden monstrosities is anyone’s guess, but maybe this is when the aviary uprising starts.
Would you Adam and Eve it, these blood blighters are just like buses as we find news straight outta Scarborough that a local councillor has just been mugged by an ASBO seagull of his own for his cheese straw.
Maybe this truly is the end of days, maybe Hitchcock was right or maybe Godfrey Allanson just needs to hold onto that which he cherishes a little tighter.
The Conservative councillor commented: “I went to Coop- lands and got myself some cheese straws. I got one out of the bag and the seagull came down and snatched it. It was scary.”
The Gazette Herald reports that there are 125 such occurrences per year in the borough with 92 in Scarborough, 25 in Whitby and eight in Filey, so there may be a move on the cards for our mate Allanson or anyone else that is partial to a cheese straw or two.
Realising that we can’t in fact get anymore blood from the seagull stone we have decided to go for a nice easy story to fill up a few more words – news from the old reliable Skegness Standard that the local Rotary Santa Fun Run involved both running and funning.
The last time anyone at Mediawatch had to run 5k in fancy costume was after a poorly-judged comment to a nightclub bouncer but these jolly old fools of the North West needed no such encouragement as they made their way down the seafront.
Seeing as the event raised £5,000 for local charities we shan’t be too negative and will turn to Skegness Rotary Club secretary Bob Field instead who said: “It was a fantastic day and lovely weather after the rain and heavy winds during the week. This is our 11th year and we are always well-supported by the town. It was great to see all the families – one had four generations taking part. But we even had people taking part from as far away as Nottingham.”
Meanwhile we have saved the best for last proving once and for all that the light at the end of the tunnel is not always an oncoming vehicle, for we have a story that England’s greatest ever player – Peter Crouch – is too tall for some theme park rides, the bloody legend.
It was on the hallowed grounds of Thorpe Park where this case of national treason occured, according to The Star, naturally. The greatest British hero of recent years was spending time with his daughters when staff ejected him from a ride due to safety concerns and lived to tell the following tale.
“I was in the seat and they said ‘sorry sir, you’ll have to get out’,” said the best footballer the English academy system has ever produced. “Everyone was watching me and I had to get out of the seat and walk out and Abbey came on and took my place. It was a low point for me, it was quite embarrassing, but then the ride got stuck.”
Clearly worried about the safety of his family he added. “I was in tears laughing – Abbey was just sitting on the ride for half an hour. I had a doughnut and a cup of tea and was just mooching around.”