Mediawatch: The show must go on, says Tom Rush

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Dolphins, dogs and David Cameron all take centre stage in this week’s production of Mediawatch: The Musical, although initial opening night reviews have been less than kind.

Starting off not in Britain but in Brittany we find news that one particularly amorous dolphin has led to a blanket swimming ban in a seaside village.

ITV News reports that Landevennec is under siege from Zafar the dolphin who has been butting against boats and chasing any who dare enter his domain.

Mayor Roger Lars said the ban was to protect the fair people of his ward from unsavoury happenings and general distress.

“I issued the decree to ensure safety… Several bathers were really afraid – he even lifted up a woman bather with his snout,” he told press.

It appears the Zafar is quite the specimen for it is further claimed that he can leap over a kayak in a single bound and throw fully grown adults into the air with a swipe of the snout, sacre bleu!

It is the fault of mating season, or so they say, for the rambunctious actions of our aquatic friend and frankly who among us hasn’t headbutted the odd boat when a bit worked up.

Speaking of unwanted, slippery mammals, David Cameron went surfing the other day and decided he needed bodyguards to do so.

Having weathered fictitious reports of animal activities before, our former prime minister Dave was understandably cautious when going for a dip in Polzeath, Cornwall, so says The Sun.

One onlooker reportedly said: “Mr Cameron had loads of Metropolitan Police Personal protection officers with him on the beach – they must be paid a fortune to look after him.

“There was 10 of them and they arrived in a motorcade of some sort which is unusual as he was just going to the beach. Mr Cameron was really keen to strike a pose for a photographer. He seemed like a very happy chappy.”

You read that right, David Cameron, the human embodiment of a can of spam, needed ten (TEN) bodyguards to go to the beach, what a man of the people he is!
Moving on up to the North West we find a report in the Blackpool Gazette that dog walkers are raging against alleged draconian practices that currently ban pets from the resort’s beaches.

This year from 1 May to 30 September dogs have not been allowed on Central Beach between the north pier and Solaris Centre on the south promenade and the restriction has caused up quite the stir.

In response a big old group of right walkers have marched in solidarity with man’s best friend for the right of all dogs to run about wherever they damn please.

Ever the opportunists, the local Conservative party has hopped on the bandwagon and is proposing to open some of the areas to dog walkers should it find its way into power, questions on how it will then try to privatise the service and sell it to Richard Branson remain unanswered.

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